Letting Go

In the last one week, I have gone through so many emotions.  From anger, to hate, to sadness, to depression.  At times I wonder if its worst because of my bipolar condition.  I do take my meds and my bipolarity is very mild.  As my doctor has stated, everyone is bipolar as we move up and down in our moods.  Bipolarity has ranges of peaks and valleys whereas severe cases have very high peaks (manic) and very low valleys (depression).  I suppose I am between the severe cases and the norm (whatever that maybe).

I digress.  My current mood at 1:29 pm is fairly good.  I am learning day by day to just let go.  I need to let her do her thing.  Does it bother me?  Unbelievably!  Of course as many of you who read my posts will judge me for my actions as they were not right and she should not just leave me but run and hide.  I feel much the same way as you do as well.

Yesterday, Nathalie and I spoke for almost 8 hours together.  At one point she told me its like the beaten wife syndrome.  She gets beat-up but keeps coming back and that is not what she wants in her life.  I understand it. The only thing that I can say is that I am the one who is sick and I am doing everything in my power to get better.  I am following a therapist, I attend group therapy for addicts on a weekly basis, I meet with a marriage councellor and psycologist every week, I speak with a life coach on the telephone every week, I meditate and I exercise amongst going to work.  Oh yeah I almost forgot, I also listen to subliminal messages on my phone and/or buddhist chants while I work or drive.

All this is to get better, to heal and to make me a better person.

The damage is done, no one can change the past, no one can predict the future.

On Thursday of last week we spoke about all of this and from the guidance of my life coach, it was decided that the best for us right now would be to be friends.  Learn about each other without any agendas as friends.  The same way two people meet for the first time.  Nathalie was very happy with this new relationship and so was I.

We also agreed that she would allow me 6-12 months of doing what I am doing now and re-evaluate our new arrangements.  The third and final agreement we made was that she was willing to not fall in love during this timeframe.  Of course the third one I am very skeptical about because love is an uncontrollable emotion.

Any how, we ended up making love that night and it was very passionate, loving and everything seemed as it was before our separation.  But of course it wasn’t and we both knew that.

The problem that came up was during the last weekend she was making plans to spend time with her new fling, Frank.  Of course this made me extremely jealous to hear about this because all weekend I was not texting her and leaving her the space required.  She did not initiate any texts on her end either.  Above the jealousy I was hurt because I thought we would work on being friends.

More and more I am realizing that her idea of being friends, is the ex-boyfriend type of friend where if we bump into each other at the groceries or the restaurant we will be cordial enough to say hi to each other.

What mixes me up more is that she says she loves me, that it is very difficult for her to see me out of her life, that she does want a divorce.

What she wants is to date other men and have me there on the sidelines hopefully healed from all my demons and then we can ‘maybe’ sail in the sunset together.

I need to leave her that space, I know, I get it.  But its a mother fucking bitch to see your wife, or think about your wife, in the arms of another man.  It takes a whole lot of strenght to accept this.

Your turn universe….send me some insight


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